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We begin with 64 mascots—let the games begin!
South
In the South region, the mascots will be competing in alpine skiing’s slalom event. This is your basic race down a steep hill with the added difficulty of negotiating a series of slalom poles.
Virginia Cavalier vs. UM-Baltimore County Retriever
The Virginia Cavalier is a mid-17th century royalist supporter during the English Civil War. It has a sort of “three musketeers” vibe, with long boots, flowing blouse, and a thin, pokey sword (think Arya Stark’s “Needle”). The Retriever is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever:
The Retriever is primarily a hunting dog, but can still excel in agility tasks. The Cavalier might suffer some drag with its loose sleeves and wide-bribed hat. It’s close, but I have to give this one to the bestest goodboye. Predicted winner: Retriever
Creighton Blue Jay vs. Kansas St. Wildcat
The Wildcat certainly has the agility required for this event. However, the Blue Jay, despite being weighed down by its tiny little skis, has the distinct advantage of not having to touch the ground. Predicted winner: Blue Jay
Kentucky Wildcat vs. Davidson Wildcat
We’re smack in a the middle of our 4-part Wildcat miniseries, the captivating true story of four universities who made it in this world despite suffering from a tragic lack of imagination. Two wildcats are bound to be evenly matched on the slopes. Lexington, KY is about 130 miles from the nearest ski resort, which appears to be a hill in the Midwest. Davidson, NC is only about 90 miles from the nearest ski resort, in the goddamn Appalachians. The Davidson Wildcat has much more experience in this event. Predicted winner: Davidson Wildcat
Arizona Wildcat vs. Buffalo Bull
The Bull has the strong legs you’d like in a slalom skier, but isn’t known for its grace and agility. The Wildcat’s ability to turn on a dime propels it to victory. Predicted winner: Wildcat
Miami [White Ibis] vs. Loyola-Chicago [Wolf]
The Miami Hurricane has been removed from the competition for violating the rule against forces of nature. The Loyola-Chicago Rambler has also been removed for vagueness–what is that, like a drifter? In a rare double-ejection, a White Ibis and a Wolf enter the race. The Wolf’s predatory lifestyle make zigging and zagging perfectly instinctual. Meanwhile, ibis in general are…not really competent at any sort of movement. But I tell you what, that mountain will be absolutely covered in wretched shits. Predicted winner: Wolf
Tennessee Volunteer vs. Wright St. Raider
Though Tennessee and Wright St. are represented on gameday by widdle puppy wuppies (a Bluetick Coon and a grey wolf, respectively), their nicknames are their Mascot Madness representatives. The Volunteer is a volunteer soldier in the War of 1812–imagine what an early 19th-century solider might look like, musket and bayonet and all, but then add a coonskin cap. The Raider, originally dubbed the “Rowdy Raider,” is a thickly-bearded Viking. Scandinavians are historically excellent in the Olympics, so this race will go to the Raider. Predicted winner: Raider
Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Texas Longhorn
The Longhorn will probably be an unwieldy mess going down the slope. It will take the slow and steady approach, hoping for a mistake from the Wolf Pack. Even though each individual has the speed, strength, and agility for the task, teamwork will be key in a sport usually reserved for one participant at a time. If any wolf misses a pole, the whole team is DQ’d (that’s “disqualified,” not “Dairy Queened,” Longhorn). Predicted winner: Longhorn
Cincinnati Bearcat vs. Georgia St. Panther
The Georgia State Panther is represented as a black panther, which is really just any melanistic big cat. Since there have yet to be any confirmed cases of melanistic cougars (the only North American big cat sometimes referred to as a “panther”), and the jaguar is the only extant member of the actual Panthera genus in the Americas, this is a melanistic jaguar
The Bearcat, neither bear nor cat, is actually an arboreal viverrid called a “binturong,” native to Southeast Asia. It has a long prehensile tail, thick black fur, and allegedly smells like buttered popcorn (I disagree, but I guess it depends on how musky you like your popcorn).
Being an apex predator in some dense jungle environs, the Panther has great agility and unfathomable strength. Though unfamiliar with snow and (surprisingly) the concept of skiing, it is at least familiar with the ground. This event is certainly not favorable to the tree-dwelling, plodding Bearcat. Predicted winner: Panther
West
In the West, the mascots will be speed skating on the long track. For those of you who have barely a passing knowledge of the Olympics, this is the one where they look like they’re taking a pleasant little Sunday skate on the frog pond with their arms a-swingin’ and their hearts a-singin’, not the one where they’re spooning each other at 30 miles per hour.
Xavier Musketeer vs. Texas Southern Tiger
The famous “Three Musketeers” were members of the mousquetaires de la garde, a fighting company for the royal house of the French monarchy through the 17th and 18th centuries. They were elite fighters, equipped with light armor and a musket. They could certainly fight….but can they skate?? The answer is “almost certainly better than a fucking tiger.” Predicted winner: Musketeer
Missouri Tiger vs. Florida St. Seminole
The Seminole is a Native American originally from Florida. The Tiger is a tiger from Missouri. Sure, the Seminole can use Cirsium horridulum, a thistled member of the sunflower family, to make blow gun darts–we all knew that…but can they skate?? The answer is “see above.” Predicted winner: Seminole
Ohio St. Buckeye vs. South Dakota St. Jackrabbit
The Jackrabbit is known for its speed, and while it’s actually quite infamous for terrible performances in “slow and steady” type races, it certainly has the skills required of the sport. Meanwhile, the Buckeye is a fucking nut. But literally, just a sentient nut with no discernible motor functions. It has no reasonable way to navigate a rounded track. Predicted winner: Jackrabbit
Gonzaga Bulldog vs. UNC-Greensboro Spartan
The Bulldog is a compact mess of muscle, skin, and medical complications. It is of a brachycephalic breed, meaning it has a shortened muzzle and nose, resulting in frequently inadequate airways. Long story short and fat, endurance competitions are not its specialty. The Spartan is about as opposite as one can get from a bulldog, an absolute specimen of physical fitness and mental fortitude. And the idea of 1-mm thick razor sharp blades probably just gets it hot as hell. Predicted winner: Spartan
Houston Cougar vs. San Diego St. Aztec
The Cougar, like many of the cats in this competition, should thrive at most physical competitions. Unfamiliarity with ice might complicate things, as well as the emphasis on endurance in this particular event. The Aztec, also less familiar with icy conditions, is one of the earliest American athletes. And skating in a big circle sounds a little easier than godforsaken stone hoop game. Predicted winner: Aztec
Michigan Wolverine vs. Montana Grizzly
These are both quite unconventional speed skater figures. We know that the Grizzly can run very fast (30 mph!) in shorter bursts, but its tremendous size (600+ lbs) is a significant disadvantage in this sport. The Wolverine’s low center of gravity should make up for its short stride–oh, and it can also sprint in 30 mph bursts! Predicted winner: Wolverine
Texas A&M [Collie] vs. Providence Friar
The nickname “Aggie” is an abbreviation of “agonizingly stupid choice for Energy Secretary.” But you can’t lace a pair of skates onto some helmet hair, glasses, and a cartoonish accent. So instead, we’re lacing them onto Lassie–a Rough Collie dog. Bred for herding, long-distance speed isn’t the Collie’s forte. The Friar is a monk, a man of god, imbued with great discipline and focus. These traits will serve it will on the ice. Predicted winner: Friar
North Carolina [Ram] vs. Lipscomb Bison
The Carolina “Tar Heel” is symbolic nickname that I think was meant to be a compliment? In any case, a man with tar on his heels would be no good for most sports, anyway. So we have a bighorn Ram and a Bison–two large, hoofed mammals–in a skate-off. Ultimately, weighing up to 2,000 lbs. isn’t an asset on extremely thin blades, and the Ram has proven balance, teetering on nearly-vertical cliff faces. Predicted winner: Ram
East
In the East, we will see games of ice hockey. Obviously this isn’t an individual sport, although now that I think about it, seeing a 1v1 60-minute match between goalies in full pads would be something else. In any case, each mascot will be cloned to produce a full hockey team, relief lines and all, with 6 on the ice at one time (5 skaters, 1 goalie).
Villanova Wildcat vs. Radford Highlander
The Wildcat team would be undersized but quick and ferocious. The Highlanders would be the more physical team, and perhaps more suited to team sports. Predicted winner: Highlander
Virginia Tech [Turkey] vs. Alabama [Elephant]
In another double-ejection, the Virginia Tech “Hokie” is clarified to mean a Turkey, while Alabama’s nebulous “Crimson Tide” becomes an upcoming Guillermo del Toro project. But actually, an Elephant. So a flock of Turkeys and a herd of Elephants will now face off on a hockey rink. While I can’t imagine the Turkeys doing much of anything on purpose, the Elephants will inevitably all end up crammed in the penalty box, giving the surviving Turkeys a series of open-net opportunities. Predicted winner: Turkey
West Virginia Mountaineer vs. Murray St. Racer
The Mountaineers are a team of frontier survivalists, accustomed to icy conditions and gruesome injuries. The Racers are a team of horseback riders. Essentially, one team is playing hockey while the other is playing ice polo. The Racers have an imposing physical advantage, and should be virtually unstoppable. Predicted winner: Racer
Wichita St. Shocker vs. Marshall Thundering Herd [Bison]
The Shocker is a harvester of shocks (bundles) of wheat. Usually, it’s a mechanical behemoth, but to comply with tournament rules, Wichita State is represented by a manual Shocker–basically a farmer. Marshall has cleverly named itself after a collective–the ol’ NC State Wolfpack strategy. A Herd of bison will simply overwhelm a crew of humble, sunbaked wheat farmers. Predicted winner: Thundering Herd
Florida Gator vs. St. Bonaventure [Wolf]
The Gator team, being cold-blooded, is virtually useless on the ice, falling quickly into a cold-stun. They face not a team of Bonnies, because what does that even mean, but rather a pack of Wolves. The Wolves win essentially by default. Predicted winner: Wolf
Texas Tech Red Raider vs. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjack
A team of masked, mustachioed Yosemite Sam types takes on a team of plaid-clad Lumberjacks. Which is actually a relatively normal game, compared to that Turkey-Elephant abomination. This is a pretty even match-up, but I think the Lumberjacks bring more of the physicality that hockey demands. Predicted winner: Lumberjack
Arkansas Razorback vs. Butler Bulldog
The Razorback typically indicates some combination of feral pig and wild boar, reaching purported weights of over 800 lbs and capable of traveling at 25 mph. Its physical description reads like the glowing scouting report of a top hockey prospect: “…the neck is short and thick, to the point of being nearly immobile… The head acts as a plow… The eyes are small and deep-set… has well-developed canine teeth, which protrude from [its] mouth… also sports a mane running down the back, which is particularly apparent during autumn and winter.” It is truly the ideal hockey player. Predicted winner: Razorback
Purdue Boilermakers vs. CS-Fullerton [Elephants]
The Cal State Fullerton Titans are very ironically not permitted to play in these Mascot Madness Olympics–surely being in the 2nd generation of divine beings qualifies as “supernatural bullshit.” So we defer to their secondary rep, the Elephant. How we ended up with two Elephant hockey teams escapes me. But here we are, probably another procession of pachyderms piled in the penalty box as the Boilermakers coast to victory. Predicted winner: Boilermaker
Midwest
In the Midwest, the mascots will be curling, of course. Often called “chess on ice,” the goal of curling is simply to score the most points after 10 ends by sliding your stones down the sheet and landing them closer to the house than your opponents’ stones. The brushes are self-explanatory. Good luck!
Kansas Jayhawk vs. Penn Quaker
The Jayhawk is a mythical compromise between the surprisingly aggressive blue jay and the expert predator red-tailed hawk. Above all else, I think a lack of real hands is a pretty huge disadvantage against a human opponent. Predicted winner: Quaker
Seton Hall Pirate vs. NC State Wolfpack
The Wolfpack has the real advantage of a group of clever minds working together to strategize. On the other hand, hands. Predicted winner: Pirate
Clemson Tiger vs. New Mexico St. [Pistol Pete]
Another Aggie, this time traded for Pistol Pete, your standard-issue cowboy with a mustache, chaps, and other sexy accessories. The Tiger, like all cats, excels at batting objects around the floor–and to a massive Tiger, the 40-lb stones are like tin foil balls. But curling is a game of precision, and being a handgun enthusiast, you know Pistol Pete knows how to draw. [sensible curling chuckling] Predicted winner: Pistol Pete
Auburn Tiger vs. College of Charleston Cougar
A couple of big kitties on a veritable kitten playground of bright sliding objects. The larger Tiger should have better command of the heavy stones, in the end. [sensible curling chuckling] Predicted winner: Tiger
TCU Horned Frog vs. Syracuse Orange
The Horned Frog, aka the “horny toad,” is actually a Texas horned lizard, most famous for the ability to shoot a targeted stream of blood from the corners of its eyes up to 5 feet. I’m…not really sure how that helps win a curling match, but its opponent is a fucking citrus fruit. Predicted winner: Horned Frog
Michigan St. Spartan vs. Bucknell Bison
The Spartan is a warrior; though physically dominant, does it have the restraint and patience to execute a winning curling strategy? The Bison is also a massive hulk of being, but the same concerns apply. I think the Spartan’s discipline and competitive drive will enable it to adapt to the game and win the match. Predicted winner: Spartan
Rhode Island Ram vs. Oklahoma Sooner
I expect the Ram to come in hot with a high takeout percentage, but struggle a bit with the draws. Fortunately, the Sooner, named for the Oklahoma Territory’s rich tradition of, er, arriving early, will incur a number of hog line violations (another rich Oklahoma tradition) and forfeit most of their stones. Predicted winner: Ram
Duke Blue Devil vs. Iona Gael
The Blue Devil, though disarmed of its supernatural powers, still retains its quick wit and knack for strategy. This will serve well on the sheet. But, curling runs in the Gael’s blood, having originated in 16th century Scotland. In fact, to this day, the granite for curling stones comes largely from Ailsa Craig, an island off the Scottish coast. The Gael was born curling–delivered directly onto the ice, down the sheet, and gently freezing against another newborn in the maternity ward. Predicted winner: Gael
There are a lot of match-ups this first weekend, so bear with me while I add more predictions!
*Edit: predictions are complete!
Nothing Everyday 
