Listen. I’m writing this post on a tablet rather than a proper computer, and it is near impossible to create a nicely formatted post on their weird, half-HTML bullshit app (no offense, WordPress, but seriously). So unless I decide to spend a significant portion of my first day off in nearly a month wrestling with photo formatting, this post will be bare bones. (Edit: instead, I just waited a million days until I had access to a real computer. Sorry/you’re welcome.)
It will also be a combined recap/prediction post; there are so few mascots left, I could count them on four fingers, provided I use one finger to represent each mascot.
To break that down for you, there are four mascots left: the 2014 Furry Four!
But first, let’s see how we got to this point from our Enormous Headed 8.
UConn Husky over Mich. St. Spartan
The Spartan has spent his tournament thus far eating a delicious baked Blue Hen and fighting two anthropomorphic foes (the Pilgrim and Cavalier). When he thrust his spear, he aimed high enough to kill a man, and high enough for a Husky to dip underneath. The Husky, thirsting for a real fight after killing two birds and a cat, lunged upward into the Spartan’s chest. The match became a ground grapple, and the Spartan’s medium-range weapon was useless. The Husky now had the most effective weapons—teeth and claws—and used them…uh…effectively? Damn it, I feel like I lost the drama of the moment. Whatever. The Husky won, guys, that’s the take home message here.
Wisconsin Badger over Arizona Wildcat
Kentucky Wildcat over Michigan Wolverine
Daaaang, looks like the Kentucky Wildcat begrudged the Bracket for its lack of faith (which it found perturbing) in the lower-seeded cat. It used its agility to wear down the much stronger Wolverine. The Badger did what it does best: subjecting the Arizona Wildcat to derisive comments, legal arguments posed as questions, and questions that assume facts not in evidence. The Wildcat broke down, while its lawyer vehemently objected. Of course, there was no judge to sustain the objection, because this is not a court of law but a court of paw, so why do you even have your lawyer here anyway?
So here we have our Furry Four:
The Kentucky Wildcat, who has defeated the Mustang, the Shocker, the Louisville Cardinal, and the Wolverine.
The Badger, who has defeated the American Eagle, the Duck, the Baylor Bear, and the Arizona Wildcat.
The Husky, who has defeated the Hawk, the Villanova Wildcat, the Iowa St. Cardinal, and the Spartan.
And finally, the Gator, who is not at all furry and we apologize, who has defeated the Great Dane, the Panther, the UCLA Bruin, and the Blessed Flyer.
The picks:
**Florida Gator vs. UConn Husky
The Gator has, by far, the most impressive resume of conquests here. Not a single one of its opponents has been a piece of cake (although that would be an excellent mascot). Besides that, its opponents have been relatively morphologically consistent (mammalian, quadruped/biped), so it is well-versed in the Husky’s likely strengths, weaknesses, and strategies (it defeated quite a large dog in the first round, remember). The Husky is quite a tough mascot, but the Gator’s firm defense and devastating offense will be too much to overcome. Predicted winner: Gator
Wisconsin Badger vs. Kentucky Wildcat
This was a very difficult decision. The Badger just defeated a Wildcat last round. Advantage Badger, right? But this Wildcat just saw the Badger kill its last feline teammate and might be hyper-motivated to win. BUT the Badger just saw this Wildcat kill its taxonomic cousin, the Wolverine, so it might also be more motivated! But the Wildcat just defeated the goddamn Wolverine, which is more formidable than the Badger, so maybe it has the advantage!!
In the end, the tidbit that the Bracket found most salient was that last one—the Kentucky Wildcat could defeat the Wolverine, so it should be able to defeat the similar-but-not-as-badass Badger. The Badger did defeat the Arizona Wildcat, but these are two different Wildcats, eh? One is distracted by the beginning of a brand new Diamondbacks season and a thrilling playoff push by the Phoenix Suns. The other lives and breathes Mascot Madness. One neighbors Colorado and just received a choice shipment of pure, legalized catnip. The other is emboldened by tubs of Kentucky bourbon (plus it’s a freshman, so you know it can hold its liquor).
All in all, Predicted winner: Wildcat
I’ll see y’all in the finals!
~ Sean
Nothing Everyday 