As the NCAA basketball tournament begins its Sweet 16 round of play, so begins the Mascot Bracket’s Suited 16! Let’s take a look at how the field has evolved in the first two rounds of action.
The Round of 64 began with 16 men (including 2 cowboys, 2 farmers, 2 rebels, 2 Gaels, and 2 Native Americans), 9 birds (including 2 cardinals and 2 eagles), 9 cats (including 3 tigers and 4 wildcats), 8 dogs (including 5 bulldogs and 2 wolves), 4 bears, 3 rams, and 2 bison, along with 6 other miscellaneous mammalians (e.g. the Badger) and 7 miscellaneous others (e.g. the Billiken). Not counted are the losers of the First Four games: 2 birds and 2 horses (this was the entire field of horses, easily the losingest of all the mascot categories).
Why the long face? Haaaaaa
The Round of 32 left us with only 2 cats (a tiger and a wildcat), 2 dogs (both bulldogs), 1 bear, and 8 men (both cowboys and both Gaels perished). The bison were entirely wiped out (claaaassic bison!), while the rams and birds remained entirely intact. Four miscellaneous mammals were defeated, leaving only the Wolverine and Golden Gopher for representation; only two miscellaneous others were lost, leaving 5.
The current field, the Suited 16 (like a mascot suit, see), has zero bear, dogs, and shockingly, rams. So now we’re left with 6 birds (2 eagles, 1 cardinal, 1 duck, 1 ibis, and 1 jayhawk), 4 men (2 farmers, 1 Spartan, and 1 explorer; both Native Americans were killed off in the last round of fighting—claaaassic!), and 1 cat (a wildcat), along with the Wolverine and 4 miscellaneous others (the Blue Devil, the Buckeye, the Orange, and the Gator).
So there was that in memoriam of sorts.
Things to look forward to in the Suited 16:
- All new regional fight venues!
- No more tasteless Native American jokes! (Those always prove to be a wet, smallpox-infected blanket, anyhow…heh!)
- Okay, now no more tasteless Native American jokes!
- The Reign of the Birds?
- The Fall of the Annoying Inanimate Objects??
LET’S FIND OUT:
As per usual, incorrect predictions are double asterisk’d (**) and will be recapped in a separate but imminent post.
MIDWEST
The Midwest regional games will be played in Indianapolis, Indiana. I was originally going to do a corn field, but like 1/3 of the previous venues were the local variation of “a field.” So instead, the fights will take place on a section of the track at the Indianapolis 500, mid-race. A relatively tall platform (~10 feet or so) will be installed above the track for escape-from-speeding-racecar purposes. It was inspired by this stage in Super Smash Bros.
Louisville Cardinal vs. Oregon Duck
The first thing that came to mind for me was the Duck’s awkward waddle. It can fly, obviously, but must perch at some point (and ducks don’t really “perch,” per se). And when it does, the smaller Cardinal will dart in and try to knock it off-balance. Being a heavier and water-based fowl, catching itself before hitting the turf below will become harder and harder as the Duck become increasingly exhausted… Predicted winner: Cardinal
Michigan State Spartan vs. Duke Blue Devil
Without his magical bullshit, the Blue Devil is merely an extremely cunning, evil man with a dashing goatee and a trident. If he’s not necessarily the physical superior, his goal is typically to trick or charm his way into the next round (e.g. his Round of 64 fight versus the lovable Albany Great Dane). The Spartan is a very simple, direct, honest personality, in addition to being an expert warrior. Just look at this thoroughly researched historical re-enactment. The god-king Xerxes tries to coax the Spartan Leonidas into surrender, enticing him with offers of lordship and riches. But Leonidas cares only about justice and killing and P90X and basically tells him to go fuck himself. Look for this Spartan to This-Is-Sparta the befuddled Blue Devil spectacularly off the edge of the Jumbotron. Predicted winner: Spartan
WEST
The West games will be played in Los Angeles, so I’ve set the fights in, on, and around the famous Hollywood sign, which sits on a surprisingly steep hillside overlooking the city. If a mascot were to lose its footing here, it would take a very long tumble straight into the toxic smog of LA.
**Wichita State Shocker vs. La Salle Explorer
The Shocker, a farmer, is accustomed to the flat fields of Kansas. The Explorer, an explorer, is accustomed to experiencing new and varying terrains. However, he is wearing some armor, which could affect his ability to maintain balance… This was a very tough call, but I think the Explorer’s ability to improvise and adapt will play an important role in this fight. Predicted winner: Explorer
**Arizona Wildcat vs. Ohio State Buckeye
The Buckeye earned my prediction last round because of the choking hazard it presented to the small Iowa State Cardinal. The Wildcat could probably accidentally swallow a nut whole without dying, and is exceedingly sure-footed (meaning it probably wouldn’t slip on the nut and injure itself). In fact, the Wildcat doesn’t even really have to interact with the thing: it will simply go up to it and give it a healthy swat down the steep hillside, where it will eventually tumble out of bounds and be disqualified…to death. I guess. Predicted winner: Wildcat
SOUTH
The South regional games will take place in “North Texas,” which really means “Dallas,” which really means “Arlington,” which really really means “Go Cowboys! America’s Team! Byahh!” So the fight will, in turn, take place on top of the Cowboys’ obnoxiously large (180 ft. by 50 ft.) Jumbotron above the center of the field.
Kansas Jayhawk vs. Michigan Wolverine
In this venue, where a long fall leads to a horrible death (meaning any death that takes place on the Cowboys’ field), the capacity for flight is a huge advantage. Mind you, the Jayhawk can’t simply outwait its way to victory, nor can it perch on anything in the stadium but the Jumbotron itself. But even if the Wolverine lands a swipe or glancing bite, the Jayhawk could right itself and fly back up to the platform. Furthermore, the Wolverine lives on solid ground, and isn’t one for climbing, lending itself to a disastrous fall. Predicted winner: Jayhawk
Florida Gator vs. Florida Gulf Coast Eagle
Ordinarily, I would posit that the Eagle would have a difficult time penetrating the thick skin of the Gator (as was the case with the Minnesota Golden Gopher). But there are certainly some vulnerabilities, notably its eyes. The Eagle should be able to execute some fierce swoops down on the Gator’s head; after all, if it moves too quickly to evade, the clumsy and wide-set Gator could very easily fall. Predicted winner: Eagle
EAST
The East games will be played in Washington, D.C., so the mascot brawls will take place in the House of Representatives chamber. Yes, the chamber will be empty, and no, for the last time, Syracuse, John Boehner cannot tap in for your stupid Orange.
**Indiana Hoosier vs. Syracuse Orange
This one seems straightforward, but in this business, that probably means the crazy option will come true. But I can’t, in good conscience, predict that an orange will win a fight against a farmer. Even though its two-round winning streak versus bears makes you wonder what this thing is capable of… Predicted winner: Hoosier
Marquette Golden Eagle vs. Miami Ibis
The Ibis so far has an exemplary record—two big wins against a tiger and a Native American warrior. But in this round, given its location and opponent, it doesn’t have the aerial advantage that has surely helped it get this far. The Golden Eagle is designed to kill, while the Ibis could not have possibly been designed on purpose. Its long neck and ungainly wings will provide excellent targets for the natural bird of prey. Predicted winner: Golden Eagle
I’ll see y’all in the Enormous-Headed Eight!
~ Sean
Nothing Everyday 