The Bracket did much better this week, correctly predicting 9 out of 16 winners (a cool 56% success rate, compared to last round’s 41%). One of them (California Golden Bear vs. Syracuse Orange in San Jose) was a total blown pick, too, so the stats should have been a little bit better.
Well, here’s what went wrong—what I wasn’t expecting, and what I should’ve been but inexplicably wasn’t.
MIDWEST
Louisville Cardinal over Colorado State Ram (in Lexington)
This is the first time one of the rams has faced a flying foe; everything about the rams’ offense (whether headbutts or hoof stomps) moves in a downward motion, so this strategic nightmare came true. The Colorado State Ram’s blows were too slow for the Cardinal’s aerial evasions, and the Cardinal was able to very gradually peck away at the Ram’s back and sides until it finally fell.
Michigan State Spartan over Memphis Tiger (in Detroit)
The Spartan adopted the strategy I thought he might, fleeing the Tiger long enough the reach the nearest corner of the auto factory. There, his strength and shield was virtually impenetrable, and he only suffered a few gashes on his arms where the Tiger was able to periodically swipe. Soon enough, the Tiger presented a weakness, and the Spartan exploited it, lunging with his spear for the win.
WEST
La Salle Explorer over Ole Miss Rebel (in Kansas City)
Another virtual toss-up, and another extremely close fight. Despite the purely militaristic nature and advanced training of the Rebel, there were two factors that undid him. First, he was unarmored; both fighters had muskets, but the blows dealt to the Rebel’s unprotected torso did considerably more damage. Second, the Explorer’s permanent preparedness served him well. He was able to feel out the terrain and use it to his advantage, and he was able to adjust quickly to the Rebel’s fighting style, having been subject to a number of human and animal attacks. It was hard-fought, but the Explorer’s strategic mind trumped the Rebel’s fury.
SOUTH
Kansas Jayhawk over UNC Ram (in Kansas City)
Just like the Cardinal, this Jayhawk used its aerial position to break down the UNC Ram. Because the Ram had no barn for refuge, and because the Jayhawk is a slightly larger and much more predatory bird, this victory wasn’t quite as gradual as the Cardinal’s.
Florida Gulf Coast Eagle over San Diego State Aztec (in Philadelphia)
The Aztec certainly had the physical advantage, but the Eagle had a nifty trick up its wingfeathers. When the fight began, the Eagle immediately flew the museum’s surrounding greenery, collecting a long vine and a large cluster of thorns from a rose bush. It then flew to the statue of Rocky Balboa that stands near the art museum steps. The Aztec remembered well the ancient prophecy of his war god Huitzilopochtli and the origins of his home city (Tenochtitlan—among the prickly pears growing among rocks), and instantly prostrated himself before the eagle—who clutched an apparent snake in its beak and an apparent prickly pear branch in its talons, and was perched atop a Rocky outcrop.
Though the Eagle technically traveled out of bounds in its execution of the deceit, the Aztec was thrown into a spiritual fervor, sputtering ancient words about a “promised land” and eventually volunteering himself as a gracious sacrifice to Huitzilopochtli. The whole thing was pretty awkward.
EAST
Syracuse Orange over California Golden Bear (in San Jose)
This is the one I’m kicking myself over. I figured the Golden Bear was sturdy enough to withstand the crashing waves and strong tides, and found a picture of a (albeit Sun) bear eating an Orange, and I was blinded by logic and the sheer Google Images serendipity. But I failed to account for something I love looking for in the Bracket, something that helped me crack the vast Bulldog conspiracy of 2011: patterns. The Orange had just defeated the Montana Grizzly the round before, in the same coastal setting! I don’t know exactly how this Orange managed to take down two of the four total bears in the field…but it had obviously figured out a way, and I should have noticed that.
Miami Ibis over Illinois Fighting Illini (in Austin)
Well, the Ibis felt disrespected after the Fighting Illinus said he felt disrespected for being matched up with, in definitely his words, “a gangly waterfowl. Puh-lease.” It came out with a gangly ven—I mean, a perfectly normal-looking vengeance, and just went America all over his ass. No disrespect.
Sooooo anywayyyy… Unless I’m already burning in eternal hellfire, check back Thursday for your exclusive Suited 16 predictions!
~ Sean
Nothing Everyday 