The Round of 32 begins! A lot of intense match-ups this round, fur sure.
I’ve completed all but one of the Saturday games (the Mascot Madness Council has been assembled to deliberate), and one or two of the Sunday games.
Incorrect predictions are double asterisk’d (**) and will be recapped in a separate post, probably on Monday.
MIDWEST
**Louisville Cardinal vs. Colorado State Ram (in Lexington)
The Cardinal unexpectedly and allegedly…ahem, “defeated” the Ram, but the Ram is coming off an even more impressive victory over the Missouri Tiger. Perhaps it will struggle with the airborne attacks, but it’s also considerably more durable than a bulldog. Predicted winner: Ram
Oregon Duck vs. St. Louis Billiken (in San Jose)
I’m still not…exactly…sure what a Billiken is in this tournament, and at some point Mascot Madness™ will launch an investigation into whether or not some magical bullshit is going on there. Last round, both fighters defeated cowboys. I largely attribute that to the terrain: with their chaps and boots and spurs, they had difficulties in the harsh waters, lending today’s fighters easy opportunities (man, the internet pictures for every occasion). I’ll go with the Duck’s natural aquatic inclinations (and its potential for aerial assault) here. Predicted winner: Duck
**Memphis Tiger vs. Michigan State Spartan (in Detroit)
The victors of two epic abandoned factory battles are here facing off in another super epic abandoned factory battle. The Tiger defeated a Gaelic warrior, armed with a shield and a broadsword. The Spartan defeated an armored Crusader. Both of these opponents, however, suffered from the jumbled venue, unable to move stealthily or swing their huge blades. The Tiger and the Spartan are a bit more flexible. The Spartan has a shield for defense and a war spear for offense. If he can back up into a corner, he can stay protected and deal the Tiger a death lunge. But ultimately, the Tiger is stronger and has three sets of sharp weapons (two paws and a jaw). The factory is cluttered, but not small, and I don’t believe the Spartan will find a safe defensive position so easily. He will die in an epic and glorious fashion, and I’m pretty certain he’s okay with that. Predicted winner: Tiger
Creighton Bluejay vs. Duke Blue Devil (in Philadelphia)
Oh…yikes. The Bluejay and the Blue Devil showed up wearing the same thing. That’s awkward. Now one of them has to go home and change. Or the Blue Devil can go ahead and change the Bluejay’s color right now…to RED. Predicted winner: Blue Devil
WEST
Gonzaga Bulldog vs. Wichita State Shocker (in Salt Lake City)
The Shocker turned out to be a lot more brutal than I thought, defeating a goddamn mountain lion in the mountains. Part of me is tending toward the old line of thought that the Bulldog could “awww” its opponents defenses down, but after what that Hoosier did to that poor James Madison Bulldog… This Bulldog will be out for blood, but the Shocker’s pitchfork and the terrain should keep it at bay. Predicted winner: Shocker
WAIT. I just thought of a great promotional name for that fight: Shock and Awww!
You’re welcome, World.
Ole Miss Rebel vs. La Salle Explorer (in Kansas City)
This one was a doozy. Both are well-equipped, tough men on familiar terrain. What swings this prediction is their specialties. The Explorer is very resourceful and has a navigational intelligence that serves him well in longer-term, man-versus-nature survival situations. He is a French Explorer as well, so he is not so much the greedy, belligerent Spanish conquistador. The Rebel, on the other hand, has a tactical and combat intelligence much better suited for this type of fight. He is not trained to defend himself against threats he encounters, but rather to kill his designated enemy. This aggressive mindset will tip the scales of this fast-paced, frantic battle in the Rebel’s favor. Predicted winner: Rebel
Arizona Wildcat vs. Harvard Pilgrim (in Salt Lake City)
Both fighters are coming off extremely impressive wins: the Wildcat over a brown bear and the Pilgrim over a gray wolf. The Pilgrim still has his musket to use for defense, but the Wildcat has agility and razor claws that the Lobo lacked. The Pilgrim is smaller and quicker than the Belmont Bruin, too. But I think a cat that can take down a bear can surely take on a man. Predicted winner: Wildcat
Iowa State Cardinal vs. Ohio State Buckeye (in Dayton)
If you’ve been following Mascot Madness long, you’ll know how sick I am of this fucking. Buckeye. Inexplicably. Winning. All. The. Damn. Time. But I have to say…of all the opponents it has faced, this might be the most feasible victory. The Cardinal will try to crush the Buckeye with its beak, but will accidentally swallow and choke on it. And hopefully I’ll avoid having to explain how a nut defeated anything in one-on-one combat for another few days. This might be the only time I’ve predicted a Buckeye victory besides last year, when I got to make a lot of fun “Republicans are nuts” jokes, HEH. Predicted winner: Buckeye
SOUTH
Kansas Jayhawk vs. UNC Ram (in Kansas City)
The Jayhawk won by default last round, while the Ram proved itself against the ferocious Villanova Wildcat. Despite having some predatory hawkish instincts, I’m uncertain the Jayhawk is strong enough to truly affect the Ram. It will benefit also from the open sky, but the Ram is durable and need only make contact with one hoof or horn to end the battle. Predicted winner: Ram
VCU Ram vs. Michigan Wolverine (in Detroit)
The VCU Ram and the Wolverine are ready to fight, fresh off easy wins over the Kangaroo and the Jackrabbit, respectively. The Ram will still have trouble maneuvering the relatively restrictive confines of the factory; its opponent last round simply had more trouble. The Wolverine should be able to move freely along the factory floor, and being so low, won’t have to worry much about the Ram’s massive horns (it’s got to keep an eye on those hooves, though!). Predicted winner: Wolverine
Minnesota Golden Gopher vs. Florida Gator (in Austin)
The Golden Gopher may have been able to bewilder and nibble the UCLA Bruin to death, but it seems virtually impossible for its teeth or claws to even begin to penetrate the Gator’s scaly skin. I don’t believe the Gator will be able to target such a small and crafty opponent with its jaws, but it has an oft-overlooked weapon in its arsenal—the versatile and extremely powerful tail. One whack and the deed is done. Predicted winner: Gator
San Diego State Aztec vs. Florida Gulf Coast Eagle (in Philadelphia)
Both opponents had less-than-thrilling victories in the first round: the Aztec beat the untrained Sooner while the Eagle easily vanquished the clumsy Georgetown Bulldog. The Aztec is a deft warrior, and will be well-prepared for the Eagle’s vicious swoops and dives (having an Aztec war club doesn’t hurt one bit). Predicted winner: Aztec
EAST
Indiana Hoosier vs. Temple Owl (in Dayton)
I gave this one a lot of thought. I think the Hoosier, a simple Indianan farmer with a pitchfork, is a physical favorite here. The Owl, having outwitted a pack of fairly intelligent wolves, clearly has quite the sharp mind (not to mention beak and talons). But ultimately, the Hoosier displayed a cold focus in its first round match-up against the James Madison Bulldog that indicated he’s here to fight, and here to win. The Hoosier will not be distracted by the Owl’s mind games. Predicted winner: Hoosier
**California Golden Bear vs. Syracuse Orange (in San Jose)
We’ve been getting several inexplicable victories in the savage surf of San Jose. I’m confident some mascots are allowing the map to kill their opponents and simply surviving into the next round. The Orange is one of these. The Golden Bear is heavy and strong enough to make its way through the rough waters, and 90% of their diet is fruit– and vegetable-based (yup, there’s a picture for everything). Predicted winner: Golden Bear
Butler Bulldog vs. Marquette Golden Eagle (in Lexington)
The Golden Eagle showed it can operate in a short range situation in the barn, even against such an athletic opponent. The Bulldog was the nimble one last round, relative to the hulking Bison, but this round it’s like a short, fat guy compared to the Wildcat’s…cat-like…guy… Let’s just say the Golden Eagle will dominate the Bulldog like or as I dominate the art of similes. Predicted winner: Golden Eagle
Illinois Fighting Illini vs. Miami Ibis (in Austin)
The Fighting Illini probably feel super disrespected with these match-ups. First, they draw the Buffalo, which is like telling me I have to fight a half-gallon of Blue Bell Mint Chocolate Chip to the death. It’s just a routine but necessary part of everyday survival. Now, they’re putting the Fighting Illini, a warrior, up against a gangly waterfowl? Puh-lease. Predicted winner: Fighting Illini
As per usual, feel free to disagree with me and offer logic for your opposition. The logic is by no means required to be sound. In fact, basing your logic in only the slightest bit of reality is highly encouraged.
~ Sean
Nothing Everyday 