Hello, everyone! We last met over two weeks ago, when I was reporting the conclusions of my Oscar quest and predictions. I’m here today with another quest, the much-anticipated fourth annual Mascot Madness tournament!
Actual March Madness is truly a thrilling time. A bunch of kids from a bunch of schools compete to see who can throw the big bouncy ball into the little basket the most times. Reeeeeeal exciting. So I thought, “I’m gonna make my own tournament, with blackjack and hookers!”
Minus the blackjack and the hookers. But plus vicious, bloody deathmatches!
Instead of having five dumb humans compete against five other dumb humans, I decided each match-up by imagining the teams’ mascots fighting each other.
I established a few ground rules:
1) No guns (rather, no bullets; guns may still be used as bludgeons).
2) No magical or supernatural bullshit.
3) Fights are 1-on-1 (oh wow, your team is called the Richmond Spiders? Tough SHIT, you only get one damn spider. Oh wow, your team is called the North Carolina State Wolfpack? Tough SHIT for everyone else, because you’re smart and named yourself after a group of something).
4) Fights are to the death (but if you want to lie to yourself and dress it down, Pokémon-style, that’s your prerogative). Death cannot be via siege or starvation; a mascot can’t simply wait out the opponent. It must actively fight.
5) A team is represented by its nickname first; if the nickname is too vague or doesn’t make any fucking sense, its actual mascot is used (like, an “Aggie” isn’t a real thing, but those schools usually have a sensible animal representative—a collie for Texas A&M, a bull for Utah State, etc.).
6) No natural phenomena, disasters, or otherwise intangible representatives (no, Iowa State, you can’t just call yourselves the Cyclones and automatically win everything).
7) Format note: I don’t pick the entire bracket at the beginning. Each round, I recap and discuss my incorrect predictions and begin again with new predictions.
The fights usually take place on a regulation NCAA basketball court, but I started mixing things up last year. In the thick of the Republican primaries, I pitted the mascots in head-to-head political campaigns, the winner being the one most likely to win over a GOP crowd. (The winner was the very boring, predictable, unoriginal Kentucky Wildcat…I think this mascot battle format has a fair amount of predicting power.)
They already picked a new Pope without asking for my help, so this year, I’m taking the battles outside the arena. Fights will take place at venues representative of the basketball tournament’s host cities. For example, the Tuesday and Wednesday play-in games (the First Four or Early Eight, whichever you prefer) will be hosted by the University of Dayton in Dayton, Ohio. So the mascot fights will take place in a location representative of western Ohio:
A bustling Ohio metropolis.
Yeah, that’s right. It’s just a field. According to the internet, that’s what’s in western Ohio. It’s not my fault the NCAA didn’t schedule the tournament to start in a more exciting or geographically diverse location…
I’ll predict the First Four games now, so you’ll get a taste of how this goes.
The First Four!
** – Denotes a wrong selection (eventually)
North Carolina A&T Aggie vs. Liberty Flame (Eagle)
Oooh, here we go! Our first silly abstractions! The North Carolina A&T Aggie is actually represented by a bulldog. A flame is too intangible a concept to fight; Liberty University apparently agrees, and has kindly prepared an eagle mascot instead. I took the liberty (hehe) of making it a bald eagle, because, you know, America. With so much open air, the Eagle has plenty of room to soar, glide, and most importantly dive. In contrast, the wide open space presents a marked disadvantage for the un-athletic Bulldog. Predicted Winner: Eagle
Middle Tennessee Blue Raider vs. St. Mary’s Gael
“Blue Raider” has to be clarified, so I went to the mascot, and…it’s basically a blue Pegasus. So…anyway, we have a, uh…Blue Raider up against a Gaelic warrior. The open space would be good news for an ordinary horse, much less a flying one. The Gael could surely get in some mean slices with a broadsword, but overall, it is outsized and out-number-of-modes-of-transportation’d. Predicted Winner: Blue Raider
Long Island University-Brooklyn Blackbird vs. James Madison Duke (Bulldog)
The Dukes were named after the founder of the college, so instead of being represented by European royalty, we default again to their mascot once again. And it’s a bulldog…once again. So, familiarly, we have a pudgy bulldog in an open field against a bird. But this time it’s a mere Blackbird instead of a mighty Eagle. It might take a few tries, but the Bulldog will take down a Blackbird that’s forced to engage. Predicted Winner: Bulldog
Boise State Bronco vs. La Salle Explorer
Finally, a normal match-up. A wild horse, the Bronco is essentially in its natural habitat (or at least, its natural terrain). The French Explorer is not, but being an explorer, this doesn’t really phase him. Since the Explorer is better armored than the Gael, and since the Bronco is less winged than the Blue Pegasus, I believe the Explorer stands a solid chance. He can win with a bit of quickness and a few crafty strikes. Predicted Winner: Explorer
So that’s how that goes! 32 more of those coming at you in the next two days.
Let me know if you vehemently disagree with my predictions, because I adore vehemently arguing silly things! (Not sarcasm.)
~ Sean
Nothing Everyday 
You do not take into account the fact that the explorer is clearly French (La Salle), who ironically enough died on March 19th!
If you’re referring to the fact that I used a picture of a Spanish conquistador, it’s because there are no cool pictures of French explorers, just lame portraits.
If you’re simply referring to the battle inferiority of the French, then that was a grave, grave oversight, and I’m pretty ashamed I didn’t explore that idea (HEH).
And that’s an interesting fact! Similarly, the beloved Tejano singer Selena was murdered on my 5th birthday….